The Art of Saying “No” Begins With Not Giving A Damn

Just because you can doesn’t mean you should

Not everyone deserves an explanation. In fact, no one really does.

And that’s a difficult concept for people pleasers to digest. We believe if there is no “real” reason for saying “no” that an automatic affirmative response should be granted.

Wrong.

Overthinkers process requests like computers. There’s a definitive set of responses based on schedule availability (did we say yes to someone else first?). We seldom view free time as our time and we view idle time as a bad thing.

If you feel bad for saying no and are afraid of people’s adverse responses — the disappointment on their faces, the shift in the tone of their voice — then you’ve given way too much power to entities outside yourself.

And this is where the guilt and endless self deprecation comes from. Feeling utterly out of control and consumed by everyone around you is symptom of a lack of boundaries.

Just Because You Can Doesn’t Mean You Should

I suffered because I indulged in chronic people pleasing. That’s why I believe in shifting accountability back to myself. Your opinion is the only one that matters, and people who take a mile from an inch — because we let them — want us to think otherwise.

They use tactics like guilt tripping and gas lighting to test our boundaries. And we fail to realize that boundaries need to be instated every day for people who are supposed to have our best interest at heart.

We’re not all saints. And some of our loved ones have difficulty understanding that the world doesn’t revolve around them.

A friend of mine gave me meaningful advice recently. He said that our relationships improve when we set hard boundaries and stick to them.

I’d never thought of it that way. I thought the negative responses to my “no’s” would be permanent reactions. And that the tests were cruel and selfish because if my loved ones knew better, why didn’t they do better?

Instead of feeling a sense of betrayal I’ve learned the importance of holding myself accountable, not others. People will always try to push your boundaries. It’s not up to us to understand why. It’s up to us to reinforce those boundaries and ignore the initial backlash.

For a long time I wondered why some people in my life took a yard when I allowed them an inch.

It’s because I allowed them to.

The onus is on each of us to reinforce healthy boundaries with our words, not our expectations. Say “no” without explanation and put little value on the opinions of others.

And if someone continually pushes that boundary, eradicate them from your life. For good.